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Survival Guide to Universal Studios Hollywood: Everything We Did (and Wish We Had Done)

November 13, 2023

Planning a family trip to Universal Studios Hollywood felt like a Choose Your Own Adventure where every option was somehow the wrong choice and would lead me toward doom.

To spend hundreds of dollars for one day at the park, but skip the ride lines, turn to page 17.

To spend slightly less and get a nine-month pass to the park, but waste your one wild and precious life waiting in all the lines, turn to page 23.

We opted for the latter. Instead of trying to cram everything into one day, I figured we could go a few times and focus on a different area each visit. Even though this meant we’d have to wait in line for the rides, it wouldn’t matter as much, since we wouldn’t be on a tight timeline. And who knows? I thought. Maybe we’d luck out and there wouldn’t be any lines.

Alas, that was the strategy of a much more naive version of myself — the Maggie I was before I waited 2.5 hours to get on Mario Kart: Bowser’s Challenge.

Here’s how the day went, where we went wrong, and what I’ll do next time.

What it costs

That’s not so easy to answer. Regular tickets start at $109, two-day general admission tickets start at $159, express passes start at $209, and various other passes go from $179 to $639.

Why do I keep qualifying that with “start at”? Because the price varies wildly by day. Peak times, like weekends, holiday breaks, and more desirable days are significantly more expensive. So while I tried to find that elusive $109 ticket price, it never aligned with our work/school schedule.

Instead, I found a discount on the nine-month California Neighbor Pass, bringing it down to $150/per person. That is still expensive, but I can justify the cost by making multiple visits.

Note: I don’t want to tell you how expensive parking is. I can barely admit it to myself. But you should know that parking is my second-least favorite thing to pay for, because it’s just GROUND that my car is borrowing. Stupid.

Food and beverages

That brings me to my least favorite thing to pay for: Water.

Thank goodness Universal Studios allows you to bring in refillable water bottles. (Maximum of two liters).

The regulations also say you can bring snacks and small food items, and I did that too. But I didn’t bring enough. Later I saw people pulling hoagies the size of Buicks out of their backpacks, so I could’ve packed more substantial items. Next time.

Instead, we ate at Three Broomsticks in the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. I had the vegan shepherd’s pie, which was food. It kind of looked like someone started to make shepherd’s pie, then got tired of it halfway through.

Everest plowed through whatever he ordered — a platter of cabbage and mashed potatoes and tomatoes and sausage and peas and some spare change, I think. Jason had a salad, which he regretted because he hates salad, so I’m not sure why that order was ever made.

The real winner was butterbeer, something I’ve wanted to try ever since I first read Harry Potter. It was delicious, like a butterscotch cream soda, and I think I could happily live on a butterbeer-only diet. It would be a short life, but a satisfying one.

The rides

It’s been a long time since I’ve been to an amusement park, so I had forgotten what it feels like to wait in line for a ride. And everything in the new Super Nintendo World required a wait. We waited in line to enter that section of the park (sometimes there’s a virtual queue, but it wasn’t an option when we visited). Then we waited 2.5 hours for the Bowser’s Challenge ride. We waited for the interactive games. We were about to wait in line for photos with Mario, but Mario went on a break. Bless you, tiny plumber.

There was another ride in the Super Nintendo World area, but I could actually feel my soul leaving my body, so at that point we left.

Then we waited 45 minutes to ride Revenge of The Mummy.

Later, we waited for the Flight of the Hippogriff ride.

That’s it. THREE RIDES. But those three experiences topped our priority list for the day, and we accomplished that.

The other stuff

Yes, I visited Ollivanders Wand Shop. I was curious how it would compare with what I imagined long ago, when I first read the Harry Potter series. And it was, in fact, pretty darn magical.

The whole point

A few months ago, Everest said he wanted to ride his first roller coaster, and I wanted E to love roller coasters the way I do.

I remember going to King’s Island with my family when I was growing up — devouring hot, greasy funnel cakes, posing for keychain photos in front of a fake Eiffel Tower, riding the Beast and then hurrying to get back in line — those are some of my most treasured memories.

That was the impetus for this Universal Studios trip. The exhilaration of being THIS TALL TO RIDE, the lap restraint pressed a little too tight, the click-clack of cars chugging up a steep hill, and finally, taking flight.

I wanted to give that to my child.

Well, he hated it. On the two coasters, Everest clutched my hand until my fingers turned blue. He murmured, “No. No. NO.” His eyes were as big as saucers, and those saucers were full of terror.

So he’s not a roller coaster kid. At least not right now, and that’s fine. It just means that when we return to Universal, we’ll be the folks enjoying the shows instead.

I Went to Cirque Du Soleil For the First Time. Here’s What It Was Like.

September 1, 2023

I’ve been interested in Cirque du Soleil ever since the company was founded in 1984. But I honestly never thought I’d see Cirque for a few reasons: 1. The performances usually take place in large cities. 2. I don’t tend to see shows when I travel. 3. I am very bad at making plans. (I once tried to buy same-day tickets to see LOVE in Las Vegas. It was Valentine’s Day, so … yeah. I struck out harder than my freshman year homecoming date.)

This time, however, was different. This time Cirque came to me.

For a very limited time, the touring production of Cortéo is appearing at Palm Desert’s Acrisure Arena, and I had an opportunity to attend on opening night.

Written by Daniele Finzi Pasca, founder of the Swiss clown troupe Teatro Sunil, Cortéo is the story of an Italian clown named Mauro who watches his own funeral procession. Beginning with Mauro’s deathbed, the procession unspools into a carnival atmosphere with dreamy scenes that look back at childhood memories but also take the viewer into otherworldly, ethereal realms.

First off, I’ll admit that I was nervous about taking my 9-year-old son to the show, since he is a vibrating ball of existential dread. I wondered how Cortéo would tackle mortality and how the show would present concepts of death/ the afterlife. I worried it would leave us feeling melancholy or distressed.

Would it be scary?

Worse, would the clowns be creepy?

Now I can firmly say my biggest worry is that my son will run off and join the circus. He was CAPTIVATED.

“This is so joyful,” he whispered as the performers leaped from one oversized bed to another, showing off gravity-defying acrobatic skills.

“Please don’t be joyful at home,” I whispered back. His bed doesn’t have good springs.

I also didn’t know if a circus would feel relevant today, when we have access to so much and can watch fantastical stories with jaw-dropping special effects on our own screens. In an era of AI, what did acrobats, aerialists, and some Italian clowns have to offer?

Well, I don’t want to give it all away, in case you end up seeing Cortéo yourself, but I was surprised and delighted. The show was far funnier than I expected but also weirder, like a Fellini fever dream. There were big, remarkable moments with gymnasts in spinning hoops and aerialists on swinging chandeliers (“That is not safe,” my son said). But the small, quieter scenes made an impact too.

I appreciated the innovative use of the set in its entirety — the trap doors and swooping angels, the balloonist who floated above the audience, the trampoline that ran the length of the stage and seemed like a runway to something beyond this world. It felt both grand and intimate, a real marvel.

Then there were the performers who were so strong and skillful, they seemed to be some other magnificent species entirely. Watching them was like gazing at Beyoncé, like, are you sure we’re all humans here?

Of course, they are human. And that’s key to why Cirque resonated for me and won me over.

It’s not just that Cirque is good despite not having special effects — it’s good because it doesn’t have special effects. At a time when reality is increasingly virtual, here was something real. Here was something alive, (albeit wrapped up in a story about death).

For me, the magic of Cirque lies in the fact that it is wildly human, and what they’ve created in Cortéo embodies life in all its beauty, power, and absurdity.

And when it all comes to an end, let’s hope we go in a cloud of glitter too.

This sweet treat was born in Chicago

August 30, 2023

You might think you don’t care about the World’s Columbian Exposition of 1893, which was held in Chicago.

But let me tell you about some of the now-cherished items that debuted there: Cream of Wheat, Juicy Fruit gum, the chocolate bar (Hershey’s), Aunt Jemima Pancakes, the #2 yellow pencil, Shredded Wheat, the automatic dishwasher, Cracker Jacks, the zipper, Ferris wheels.

Also America’s first serial killer.

Right. We could’ve done without that last thing.

One of my favorite books, The Devil in the White City by Erik Larson, delves into that World’s Fair and how it profoundly changed the country. The inventions! The murders! The new foods! The murders! Zippers! More murders!

It’s a gripping and wildly informative read, and it’s also a master class in nonfiction that reads like fiction.

What does all this have to do with a sweet treat?

Well, I was recently in Chicago with my high school girlfriends. As we walked around downtown, we passed by a place that sounded familiar from the book: the Palmer House Hotel.

I pulled my friends inside, not just because it’s a grand building …

And not just because it’s infused with historic details, like Mark Twain’s gallon-sized beer stein, and ostentatious lamps …

but because this is a place in food history!

Palmer House is where the brownie was invented.

As the story goes, the dessert was inspired by socialite Bertha Palmer, who was married to Potter Palmer, the millionaire owner of the hotel. She chaired the ladies’ board for the World’s Fair and tasked the hotel pastry chef with creating something that would be easy to box up and transport to the festival grounds.

Voila, the chef dreamed up brownies! (Although they weren’t called that until 1898, when they appeared in a Sears Roebuck catalog.)

The Palmer House confection is not quite to my taste, as I’m more of a crunchy edge brownie person, and this one has a gooey, fudge-like consistency. But hey, we need both kinds of brownie eaters in this world.

If you want to try it yourself, here’s the recipe. More than a century old, it’s the same one they use today.

Road trip: Underground adventure at Mitchell Caverns in the Mojave Desert

January 9, 2023

The guide prepped us with a countdown of “Three, two, one …”

Instantly, we were plunged into the blackest darkness I’ve ever experienced. A darkness so complete, it felt thick. I put my hand in front of my face, and not only was I unable to see it, I wondered if my hand still existed.

Just when I felt like I might be falling through space, my son wrapped his arms around my legs. A moment later, the guide turned on the small lights that illuminated the path.

I quickly reoriented myself. Ahead of me, cave. Behind me, cave. Above me, you guessed it. Cave.

It’s a good thing I’m not the kind of person who gets claustrophobic in confined spaces. Rather, I’m the kind of person who, when faced with darkness, potentially loses their own body.

I was standing in the deepest point of Mitchell Caverns, an adventurous Southern California road trip destination within two hours’ drive from Barstow and a fun add-on for camping trips in the surrounding area.

The caverns are named for Jack Mitchell, who bought claims to the land and sounds a bit like a sunbaked, desert version of P.T. Barnum. Back in 1934, he and his wife, Ida, built stone structures by hand on the property and ran a small resort that included tours of the caves. They also developed the road that led from Route 66 to the caverns, approximately 22 miles, and turned it into a popular attraction.

On view are two main caves: “El Pakiva,” the Devil’s House, and “Tecopa,” named for a Shoshone chief. There’s a third cave, but it’s deep and dangerous, and at this point it’s off limits to the public.

The tour enters through the “eyes of the mountain” and only becomes more spectacular from there.

The caverns feature some unique and unusual formations, and our guide was excellent about explaining them. I knew about stalagmites and stalactites, but I had no idea that so many cave features are named for food! We saw cave bacon, cave frosting, cave mushrooms, and cave shields — “they’re kind of like a sandwich,” our guide said.

Overall the caverns were more impressive than I expected, a true gem within the California state park system.

GO SEE IT

Where: Mitchell Caverns is located in the Providence Mountains State Recreation Area in the eastern Mojave Desert.

When: The State Park is open Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, and holiday Mondays from September to June. (Closed July and August.)

You must have a guided tour for the caverns. Reserve this by calling (760)928-2586 between 8 a.m. and 5 p.m. on Mondays. Group size is limited to 15 people.

What time: Tours are approximately 2 hours long and take place at 10 a.m. in June and September, and 11 a.m. and 2 p.m. during the other months.

Cost: Tours are $10 per adult, $9 per senior, and $5 for children. There’s also a $10 State Park fee per vehicle.

Bring: There’s no gas or food located within many miles of the attraction, so make sure you have everything you need to fuel yourself and your vehicle. For the tour, you can take a water bottle, but no backpacks or snacks.

Good to know: The bat population is being decimated by white-nose syndrome. It’s a fungal growth that does not affect humans, but humans can carry and spread the spores, and the spores can survive for up to a decade. For that reason, the park requests that whatever you wear to Mitchell Caverns, you never wear into another cave. (So if you have plans to visit another cave soon, this is a great excuse to buy new hiking boots!)

Accessibility: The location of the caverns do not allow for trails to be ADA accessible. Also, the cavern formations create areas as low as 62 inches and as narrow as 14 inches. There are video tours of the caverns that can be viewed inside the visitor center.

Find out more: Visit the park website

Resistance for introverts

June 19, 2018

It’s time to get serious about actively resisting the cruel and inhumane policies of this administration. But what if you’re not the kind of person who wants to be on the front lines, marching and phone banking? Is there a place for introverts in all this?

Hell yeah. Come on in, the resistance is fine.

I’ve jotted down a few ideas here, but this is certainly not a comprehensive list. See what you can do. Then read some articles about incarcerated babies as young as 3 months old who have been stolen from their families … and get angrier. And then do a couple more things.

Here we go:

Make a phone call.

Just kidding. Phone calls are terrible. I only speak to three people on the phone, and one of them brings me food. But if you DO want to make a phone call, use a script! The person on the other end will never know, and phone calls do make a difference — elected officials keep track of how many constituents care about a particular issue; one major gauge is how many phone calls they receive.

The ACLU has a great script here. Make it fun by pretending you’re an old-timey person who actually uses a phone to make calls.

Reach the Congressional switchboard at 202-224-3121. Or use an app like 5 Calls to streamline the process.

Fax someone. Seriously.

Have you ever wondered who has a fax machine anymore? The answer is Congress!

That hunk of equipment actually makes for a very easy way to reach your representatives. Resistbot will help you contact them via fax, and you don’t even have to download anything or use an app. In under 2 minutes, you can send a very real message.

Bonus: Imagine the halls of Congress going “Beeeeeep. Blorp. Blorp. ZZZZZZZMZZMZMZZ!!” all day long. #Satisfying

Sign a petition. They’re everywhere.

Write postcards to your elected officials. Sometimes I do this in bars because 1. It discourages people from talking to me. 2. It gives me something to do. 3. Alcohol makes it very easy to let the words flow.

Attend a rally on June 30. Find the closest one to you here.

If you are a person who can’t do crowds for whatever reason, it’s okay. Really.

My friend Karen was at a protest last year when she came across a woman having an extreme anxiety attack. Karen hoisted the woman on her shoulders and carried her through the crowd into an open space, where the woman could finally breathe and rest. But Karen is a 6-foot tall Norse goddess, and Norse goddesses are in short supply.

You don’t have to put yourself in a situation that compromises your own health. While I firmly believe that protests and demonstrations should make everyone a little uncomfortable —the purpose is to agitate, after all — it shouldn’t give you a panic attack before it even starts. There are other things you can do instead.

So marches aren’t your thing. Do you know someone who will be demonstrating on June 30? Support them. Pack lunches for people who will be going. Donate your babysitting services. Show up at your friend’s house this week with poster board and glitter pens and make signs.

Give money. Give as much as you can to organizations that are on the ground and doing the work we can’t. Here’s an easy way to split your donation between several worthy causes. Slate is also keeping an updated list of organizations that need support.

Give time. Maybe you don’t have money but you have some free time. Are there any organizations that are fighting for immigrant justice near you right now? They might need services or goods that you could provide.

Are you super talented at something? Of course you are! Trade your talent in exchange for donations to your favorite charity. It’s simple. Tell your friends that you’ll give a free manuscript consultation, edit an essay, walk a dog, embroider something, bake a magnificent cake, whatever, if they donate at least XXX amount to your charity of choice.

Reach out to others. I keep a stack of index cards and some markers in the glovebox, and sometimes I leave friendly notes on the windshields of cars with progressive bumper stickers. My messages don’t say much more than “Stay strong!” or “Keep up the good fight!” or even just “Thank you for supporting Hillary.” Resistance is exhausting. It helps morale to get a nice note every once in a while.

Shop at immigrant-owned local businesses and eat at immigrant-owned restaurants.

Refer someone. Do you know an immigrant who could use legal services? Direct them to this list here. Offer to drive them to the office or volunteer to stay with the kids while they go.

Read books and stay informed on the issues. The more knowledge you have, the less likely you are to remain silent during uncomfortable discussions.

Take a self-defense class. Of course I don’t advocate fighting anyone. But it is incredibly empowering just to know you could throw a punch if the situation should arise.

Vote.

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