June 2014

My due date is about 30 days away. But instead of organizing the nursery or preparing other things for baby, I can’t stop lavishing attention on my dog.

I’ve always loved my dog, of course. Lemon is a six-year-old, double-dapple dachshund, born blind, deaf and full of sass. People say she’s lucky I adopted her; I think the opposite is true. I’m grateful that of all the dogs in all the world, this wriggly, cuddly, brave pup found her way into my home. She teaches me what it means to be confident and true.

MUCH HIKE. SUCH DOG.

Lately, though, my dog love has been particularly strong. After my husband leaves for work, I grab the dog from her bed and pull her into mine. There I prop myself up on pillows, writing and working on my computer, while she burrows against my legs in the place where the backs of my knees form a right angle. (Or on top of my legs. Or sprawled across my lap.)

I find it difficult to pull myself away from her, and I only do it if I must — like if I need groceries or have a doctor’s appointment. Our regular walks have gotten longer, and they feel more leisurely and special.

SNUGGLING SO HARD.

My phone has 1,196 photos on it right now, and I’d say the bulk of them are of her silly, furry face. Sometimes I also shoot video — Lemon walking down the stairs, tearing the fluff from a stuffed gorilla, kicking and snoring in her sleep. Really compelling stuff.

LOOK AT HER LITTLE FURRY FACE!

My husband has this theory that I’m chock full of mommy hormones right now. He thinks with no baby here yet, all of my maternal instincts have been concentrated into a big laser beam of love, directed right at this fur-child.

My doula believes there’s a part of me that must know my relationship with Lemon is about to change, so I’m trying to get all my snuggling in now while I still have time and attention to spare.

I think it’s something else entirely — I’m scared.

I’m scared I’ll be a bad mother. This is my first child, and I haven’t spent much time around babies, so I’m not sure I know how to be a parent. This is something that goes way beyond creating a nap schedule or knowing how to change a diaper.

It’s an enormous responsibility to shelter and nourish a child; to love him and keep him safe; to educate him and teach him to be compassionate, ethical and respectful. How do I know if I have the capacity for that? How can anyone be certain?

In college I had this Giga Pet, which required regular (electronic) feeding, activity and loving. One night I got particularly smashed and awoke from my drunken stupor with the Giga Pet wedged underneath my body, the angel of death on the screen. It was horrifying. And it only takes one traumatic robot death to make you wonder how you’ll fare as a real-life parent.

I’m scared I won’t bond with him. I worry that I’ll give birth, and I won’t feel the things that mothers are supposed to feel.

Yes, this baby was desired. My husband and I wanted him, we planned for him, and we spent a long time trying to conceive him. But simply wanting something doesn’t eliminate the fear that comes along with it.

What happens if I bring this child home, and I don’t like him? What if that part of me is missing? It must happen.

I’m scared my baby won’t love me. That must happen sometimes too.

Maybe I should have gotten a Corgi. I know Corgis like me.

I’m not certain birth will alleviate any of my worries — all of these emotions will probably exist in the shadows, live and loaded, for many years to come.

I expected that pregnancy would come with a lot of physical changes, the rise of a belly, the heaviness of my breasts, the cravings, the fluctuation in energy. What I didn’t expect was how much emotion and anxiety would also swell inside my body. The self-doubt, the compound of past damage, the feeling that I’m walking on the edge of a slippery cliff.

So now I wait for my human child to arrive. I continue to wonder how we’ll feel about each other. And I focus my affection on a creature that never fails to return my love — my dog, mom’s best friend.

Here’s how everything else is going this week:

Baby: Is enormous. I’m afraid the next ultrasound will show the Michelin man.

Has anyone seen my beach ball?

My body: Is a wonderland.

Or a constellation.

How do you prepare for a baby? You planet.

Eating: I think I’ve hit the wacky stage of pregnancy eating. Today The Husband asked what I wanted for lunch, and I said, “Pizza. Or sushi. Or falafel. … Or pizza WITH sushi AND falafel.”  And The Husband looked scared. Very, very scared.

(We ended up eating quinoa salad and sweet potato fries, in case you’re wondering. No sushi/falafel pizza. Not yet, anyway.)

I’m still craving lots of fruit too. Watermelon, cantaloupe, grapes, watermelon, strawberries, banana smoothies, watermelon.

Exercise: It’s difficult to find motivation to work out when I wake up feeling heavy and lethargic, and it’s already 90 degrees outside at dawn. I’ve been swimming a lot and trying to do as much yoga as possible, but I feel increasingly lumpy. I’m pretty sure my blood type has changed from A-positive to gravy.

The Husband: I found this old photo of The Husband with our niece, and it cracks me up. You can just tell by the look on his face that he believes he broke the baby.

This is what our house will look like soon.