Crying is baby’s way of communicating. Baby’s eardrum-piercing, patience-testing way of communicating.
Experts say that parents get to know their child’s sounds, eventually distinguishing a hunger wail from a boredom cry. After a full six weeks getting to know my new baby, I can assure you this is true. I am now fluent in newborn — and this is the language my baby speaks.
The Wet Diaper
Sound: Sudden and distressed. The same sound I used to make when I’d wake up hungover and discover all the drunken texts I’d sent the night before.
Reason: Needs a new diaper for the 17th time today.
The Meh
Sound: Dismal sobs. The melancholy of a Morrissey song meets the sad mime in a snooty French film.
Reason: General malaise. Just felt like crying.
The Red Eye
Sound: Frustrated bleats. A sickly goat.
Reason: Eye is goopy and cannot open it. Or eyes are closed and forgot to open them, making the world a dark and scary place.
The Albatross (aka The Rime of the Ancient Momminer)
Sound: Squawks that grow incrementally louder and more forceful in their refusal to be ignored. Plus the burden of knowing that you are cursed and everyone in earshot hates you.
Reason: Wants to be held; needs to hang from your neck.
The Duran Duran
Sound: Raspy, panicked yips, like a rabid woodland creature. Hungry like the wolf.
Reason: Nipple NOW.
The Dick Cheney
Sound: Part movie villain cackle, part power saw.
Reason: No reason. Just wants to break you.
The End of the World as We Know It
Sound: Brassy and shrill. The wail of a fire engine that starts small and builds to a traffic-stopping scream.
Accompanied by: A purple face. Tiny fists of fury. Inconsolable rage.
Reason: It’s too cold. Now it’s too hot. The car seat strap is too snug. The sunbeam is too close. A sock fell off. Basically it’s the worst day ever.
