Welcome letter to the Witness Protection Program

May 25, 2018

Hey there, Maggie! I mean, Kimberly.

This is just an informal letter to welcome you to the Witness Protection Program. Isn’t this so exciting? You will receive a more comprehensive packet of information later this week, including a handy page of FAQs.

Please note that U.S. Marshals will arrive at your house tomorrow to ransack your belongings, burn your records, and destroy your files. Do not be alarmed by this — ctrl-alt-deleting your life is a routine part of the process.

We’re also going to have to toss that nameplate necklace you bought from the mall because it made you feel like Carrie in Sex and the City. (Frankly, you should have ditched that in 2001.) We’re also going to need your Delta Zeta sweatshirts, your engraved jewelry box, and the personalized license plate from your bike when you were 6.

Now for the most important part of this process — your physical transformation. We like to call this “middle-aging.”

Middle-aging involves adding a few pounds to the most awkward places on your body. Maybe you’ve always had great arms or sleek thighs. No more. Pulling on pants will soon become a chore that requires at least one shot of espresso and a pep talk from your life coach. If you’ve always enjoyed a flat stomach, congratulations! That was then. Now it looks like a bagel.

Your hair is going to change texture, likely to fine, thin, and dull, while your skin will best be described as “crepe-y.” Definitely save your pennies, because you’re going to buy a lot of expensive skincare products that are about as effective as magic beans, even if you’ve always insisted you’ll grow old gracefully like Helen Mirren.

The middle-aged you will also enjoy some fun, new hobbies, such as binging The Good Wife, reading 1.5 pages of a lackluster Jojo Moyes novel before falling asleep, and responding to infrequent party invitations with “Ten o’clock … at NIGHT?!”

If I could pass along one piece of advice about this process, it’s that you should invest in clothing with a lycra blend. Also look at yourself in the mirror the same way you might look at an eclipse: With care and probably with sunglasses.

Wait, that’s two pieces of advice. Whatever.

Most of all, relax. Once you have middle-aged, rest assured that you can move through the world without attracting attention. Yes, it will be difficult for you to procure a drink from the bar or receive help from a sales associate while shopping. But that’s a small price to pay for your continued safety and comfort.

As a bonus, you will now breeze through life with an ease you never thought possible. Tell a great joke or give a dissertation on supply-side economics, it doesn’t matter. People aren’t listening. Say whatever the hell you want.

You could actually rob a bank and nobody would even notice. Seriously. You could have a sack of cash money in each hand and tango naked past the teller window before branch manager Chad even glances in your direction. Heck, take out a security guard while you’re at it. Chad won’t even blink. You could literally get away with murder.

No. Don’t do that.

Best,

Your friends at the Witness Protection Program

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