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Pregnancy Week 14: The Salton Sea and No Pee

January 5, 2014

Oh hey, energy. I’ve missed you.

This week brought fewer naps, a 12-mile bike ride, a handful of hikes and a renewed love of berry smoothies.

On top of a mountain, powered by my own two feet.

 

The Husband and I also made a quick day trip to the Salton Sea for a short (2-mile) hike along the shoreline.

The Salton Sea, created by Colorado River flooding, is one of the lowest spots on earth and one of the world’s largest inland seas. It’s a bizarre place. Though the sea was once lined with resorts and known as the American Riviera (or the Riviera of California), it’s now surrounded by abandoned homes and dilapidated buildings. It’s also an environmental disaster.

Still, it’s really beautiful. It’s an important stopover for migratory birds. It’s filled with millions of fish. Plus, I have a soft spot for broken places and worn things.

All quiet on the Salton Sea.

 

I love the stillness there. Like someone pressed life’s pause button.

Maybe that’s why I wanted to take this week’s pregnancy photo there. I’m in a happy place right now, and I want to savor this moment.

My hump: Week 14.

 

About 30 miles away is the desolate desert town of Niland, home to Slab City, an abandoned military training area that now attracts drifters, squatters and others seeking an alternative lifestyle — one entirely off the grid.

If you’ve seen “Into the Wild,” a portion of it takes place here.

Even Bella from Twilight couldn’t ruin this part of the film.

 

Niland is also home to Salvation Mountain. Part of “Into the Wild” took place here too. Here’s a clip.

Salvation Mountain is one man’s attempt to spread a message of faith and love, and he has spent decades constructing this mountain out of hay, mud and more than 100,000 gallons paint. It’s pretty remarkable, and my photo doesn’t come close to showing the size or the fairytale quality of the place. Inside the mountain is a maze of altars and rooms, elaborate displays of car doors, telephone poles, gnarled tree branches, photos and truck parts.

Salvation Mountain. This photo doesn’t even begin to do it justice.

 

I’m not the most evangelical person in the world — actually, I’m not evangelical at all. But I can respect someone who has this kind of passion and can channel that into a massive work of art.

Bump in the desert.

 

The other big thing that happened this week: One day I woke up at 4 a.m. and couldn’t pee. This, as many of you might know, is the opposite of what happens to most women during pregnancy. And it was a dramatic shift for me too. Usually I’m pissing all over the place like an incontinent mountain lion.

Have you ever needed to pee and couldn’t? It’s incredibly stressful. Within a matter of minutes, I was Violet Beauregarde. And I panicked.

Stick a fork in me. I’m done.

 

What happens if I never pee again? I wondered. Can I pop? What if I pop? Certainly popping is bad for the baby.

Luckily, the internet exists, and I quickly found two possible causes of this problem: A urinary tract infection, which is common during pregnancy. Or the baby was blocking the bladder — another common issue, particularly for women who are in week 13-15 (check!) and have a tilted uterus (check!).

The bad news is that this has happened every night since then. I think the baby settles into a strange spot during the night. The good news is that the problem should sort itself out once the baby gets bigger and stops using my bladder for a pillow.

In the meantime, I found some suggestions online from other pregnant ladies for how to kick-start the flow:

* Go to the hospital and have a catheter inserted. 

Yeah, that’ll be my last resort. Thanks.

* Sit in different positions on the toilet.

I tried this. I leaned forward. I leaned left. I leaned right. Then I tried turning around backward, like I was riding a toilet pony. None of it worked, but it sure was interesting.

* While you try to urinate, pour a cup of hot water over your ladybits. It will help get things flowing.

What? Ow. No. Who told you this was ok?

* Push your hand up on your cervix and manually shift your uterus up.

You know, I’m really not confident in my ability to push my uterus anywhere. Generally, I just let it go where it wants to go. I’m growing a free-range uterus here.

* Walk around, rub your belly, wait for the baby to shift a little, then try again.

Yes. This worked.

Why I don’t go out in public anymore

December 28, 2013

By myself anyway. Because people are weird, and they say weird things, and then I spend all day twitchy and nervous, wondering if I exist in an alternate reality.

This photo will make sense in a second.

 

Case in point, I was just at the library. As I walked toward the building, a man drove up to me in the parking lot. He yelled to me from within his car, but I couldn’t hear him because his window was rolled up.

“Pardon?” I said in Charades-ese, which was basically a shrug and a firm shake of the head, as if I had a gnat in my ear.

The man yelled again.

In order to hear him, I had to lean my head far inside his back window, which was rolled down, even though it made me uncomfortable to put any part of my body in a stranger’s car, because that’s how people become sisterwives in a backyard shed.

HIM: Where’s the food?

ME: I’m sorry. What food?

HIM: Don’t you know anything?

ME: I do.

HIM: So where’s the food?

ME: I don’t know. I’m here for books, sir.

HIM: Nevermind. I’ll find it.

ME:

HIM: You can’t eat books!

 

 

Gratitude

November 28, 2013

Today is Thanksgiving, and I am thankful for so many things.

Thankful for a pomegranate as big as my head.

 

A body that can do yoga every day and still find something new in it. How reading for pleasure now feels like playing hooky from school. My friends, my writing tribe, that warm feeling of sitting around a fire and spilling secrets until dawn. The people who inspire me without even knowing it. The fact that I wake up with the same man every single day and am still happy about it. The big slice of shit pie we were served this year that somehow brought us closer together and made us more compassionate. A city full of mountains and sunshine and bright people. A snuggly dog. The internet. My pink glitter Christmas tree. Potatoes, any variety, any recipe. Sandalwood vanilla candles. More books than I can ever read and shelves that are always ready for more. Mint tea. A world that is wild and vibrant and brimming with invitations to explore it all. The places where bodies of water blend together. Seasons of the desert. Wildflowers in the spring. Gorillas. Grape leaves. Lemonade. My book, which is getting closer to having an ending. Falafel. Love.

The good, the bad and the old panties

July 13, 2013

We just moved into a new townhouse, and I love it. It’s like a 1970s Palm Springs dream home, and every day it makes me feel happy just to walk in the door.

However, with every new place comes things both good and bad. Even dream homes.

(Warning: Grainy iPhone photos ahead.)

GOOD

A weird atrium in the middle of the house. Look at all the sunlight! And rocks galore!

 

BAD

We have nothing to put inside this atrium except a cactus that looks like a penis.

 

GOOD

Carpet! No more incessant CLICKY-CLICKY-CLICKY of dog nails hitting the hardwood.

 

BAD

Brown.

 

GOOD

Microwave! After four years of deliberate, microwave-free living, I was secretly excited to see our kitchen cabinets were pimped out with a microwave.

 

BAD

It doesn’t work. Of course it doesn’t. Look at it. It’s from the Smithsonian Museum of Appliance History.

 

GOOD

The guest room has a Murphy bed. And as someone who has watched many a comedy film, I know that Murphy beds mean one thing, and one thing only. Hijinks.

 

BAD

What the hell could be bad about a Murphy bed?

 

GOOD

The guest room also contains a built-in desk. And a chair too. This room has everything!

 

BAD

When we moved in, there was a pair of old, pink panties on the chair.

This room has everything.

 

The things I carried

July 10, 2013

I always seem to move under the worst circumstances.

I moved out of my college apartment while I had alcohol poisoning. I have only the vaguest memory of vomiting several times in rapid succession on the eggshell-colored berber carpet while the new tenants looked on in horror. (Totally my fault.) Years later I moved across the country while my husband was wheelchair-bound, recovering from an accident. (Not my fault.)

This time around, I moved immediately after an exhausting grad school residency while I had bronchitis on a 110-degree day. (The Universe’s fault.)

On this move, I discovered I have things. So many, many things. Things I didn’t even know I had. Things I probably don’t need but moved anyway, just in case. Things I was too sick and hot and exhausted to think about, so I just shoved them into a box.

Thing after thing after thing.

 

Dog toys.

Ticket stubs, envelopes of photo negatives, programs and other scrapbook memories.

Fifty-seven jars of spices.

Makeup.

1992 Fairborn High School marching band at Grand Nationals VHS tape.

Rice cooker.

Blazers I haven’t worn since I tried them on at the store.

An IKEA table.

A Target lamp.

A bookcase from nowhere in particular.

Nineteen crates of books.

Four crates of cookbooks.

Five crates of textbooks.

A drawer full of socks.

A chair.

Magazines that haven’t been read. I went through and purged a big chunk of the stack, but still two years’ worth of Shape, Fitness and Self remain. (This is what hope looks like.)

Box of markers.

Box of pens.

Box of nail polish, some very clumpy.

A bottle of Sambuca that has been moved from place to place since college. Because I don’t like Sambuca.

Coffeepot, coffee grinder and 12 varieties of tea.

Souvenirs from Obama’s inauguration. The first one.

A heavy bedspread made of sari fabric, purchased on a festive night in Goa. The kind of night in which I didn’t think about the results of my actions, such as how to get a bedspread from India to Palm Springs.

Scarves.

A plastic tub filled with newspaper articles I wrote before everything went online.

My mother’s rocking chair. It is ugly. But it is from this chair that she sang lullabies to me, whispered German nursery rhymes and rocked me to sleep, so I will carry this chair until I die.

Crockpot.

 

The good news is that on the other side of this hot, gross, sickly move, the perfect townhouse was waiting for me. It’s so perfect and spacious and nice, I don’t want my new home to become cluttered and uncomfortable.

So now that all of my things are here, I’ve finally started to get rid of them.