Browsing Category

California

A Walk in the Dark

April 8, 2012

I wanted to take my dog for a walk. I spent the whole day inside finishing an assignment, and I desperately needed to stretch my body.

“I’ll go with you,” The Husband said. “It’s dark.”

“No, no. I’m fine. I’m wearing white clothes so cars can see me.”

“Let me go with you,” he said.

“No, no. The moon is full.”

“Let me go with you.”

And so I did.

Palm Springs is always quiet, but once you get off the main street, our neighborhood is particularly still. That’s why the man was immediately out of place.

The Husband and I were on the outskirts of a park. The man was across the street, crouched on the ground, outside of a low brick wall. He hammered something. The metal-on-metal sound was almost like a lighter that had run out of fuel — “flick, flick, flick” — but deeper, heavier, more resonance.

The Husband and I both craned our necks to get a better look at the guy. And that’s when he turned and looked back at us. Terror ricocheted through my body. Suddenly it was difficult to breathe.

“WALK,” said The Husband in a voice I’ve never heard before.

Everything in my body told me to not run. It would make the man mad. I forced my feet to maintain a normal pace.

“I told you to WALK,” The Husband said. “GO.”

The nearest car headlights were at least a mile away. Only one house had a light on, but that was two blocks away. My dog has such short legs.

The man was behind us.

“Hey,” he yelled. And we kept walking.

Palm Springs is incredibly dark at night. It’s so people can see the stars. It’s something I’ve loved ever since I moved to the desert — the darkness here is so much more complete and sincere than nights in the Midwest.

“I said HEY.”

I cursed myself for wearing white. In darker clothes, maybe I could have slipped into the park. It would have been easy. But with the stupid moon grinning down on me, reflecting my T-shirt like a Crest smile, there was no way.

“Do you know where Ramon. I mean, Raymond Cree,” the man said. He didn’t speak in complete sentences. None of his words made sense, but they had the tone of a threat. “Tell me Vista Chino.”

“No,” The Husband said. We continued walking.

My body had a visceral reaction to the man, who was now an arm’s length behind us. My heart trembled on the outside layer of my skin. Heat rolled through my body like lava. A very clear voice inside said, “Walk normal. Keep steady. Stand tall.”

I understood that no matter what happened, I was ready to accept it. I turned around to face the man.

“That way,” I said and pointed in the opposite direction. “Go the other way.”

We didn’t see the man go. We just looked behind us, and he was no longer there. At that point we quickened our step. We expected the man to reappear at any moment. But then he didn’t, and we were home.

“I’m sorry I yelled,” said The Husband. “Do you think I overreacted?”

“No,” I said. “Not at all.”

 

San Diego miscellany

November 4, 2011

My dad came to visit me recently, and I was skeptical about how it would go.

See, I didn’t always get along with my family, thanks to my snappy temper and poor decision-making skills. Though our relationship drastically improved with time and I’m a happy, healthy, well-adjusted adult now, I’m still wary out of habit.

Thankfully, the whole visit with daddy-o was fantastic from start to finish. Maybe our best visit of all time.  Maybe too good.

We attended my dad’s military reunion in San Diego, and we stayed at a super weird Holiday Inn. We hung out with Steve, who was the best man in my parents’ wedding. Steve also briefly dated my aunt Hedda, long before she moved from her native Germany to North Carolina and achieved the weirdest accent ever. (Like Southern-fried schnitzel, y’all.)

My dad hadn’t seen Steve in 50 years. They swapped stories about heart attacks.

 

We took a tour of the USS Midway.

 

Pops was happy. He likes this kind of thing.

 

Excessively large military boats aren’t exactly my bag, so I found other ways to keep myself amused.

 

And then I made my dad pose for photos around the ship.

 

Including the jail. This is for The Very Bad Thanksgiving in 1997, Dad!

 

Every evening we had dinner at restaurants by the water, like the San Diego Yacht Club and the random place pictured below. And every night I ate pasta, boiled broccoli and salt, because that’s what vegans eat in San Diego. (Unless you go to Sipz or Stephanie’s, but my dad’s friends weren’t interested in those places.) Luckily I love salt.

 

My dad also wanted to go to the zoo, because he remembers seeing a lady from the San Diego Zoo on Johnny Carson.

I know most, if not all, vegans are anti-zoo. But I’m not one of those people. I used to be a volunteer educator at the Cincinnati Zoo, and I’ve seen firsthand how zoos can help animal populations and contribute to conservation efforts around the globe. Plus, I think zoos play an extremely important role in educating people who might not otherwise care about animals.

That’s not to say I’m 100 percent on board. There are still far too many abhorrent places out there that simply cram creatures into boxes without any concern for their welfare.

But the San Diego Zoo is one of the good ones.

 

My dad’s visit also included a drive through Pioneertown, a trip up the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway and a Steve Poltz backyard concert.

My dad ended up becoming completely obsessed with Steve Poltz and is now anxiously waiting for him to come through Dayton, Ohio — even though I’ve made it clear to Dad that he is NOT allowed to go to a bar in downtown Dayton by himself. He’s grounded. So now he wants to drag my sister Monica into this mess and force her to go to Steve Poltz concerts, which sounds like the very worst idea of all. And Steve Poltz isn’t even playing Dayton, Ohio, so it’s a pointless discussion anyway. I’ll fly home and take them to the Ice Capades instead.

Overall, I think my dad’s visit went a little too well … because he’s coming back for two weeks in January.

And I’m actually looking forward to it.

 

 

 

Four score and seven beers ago

October 30, 2011

On the great big list of Things I Love, you’ll find costumes, morbid stuff, vampires, fake eyelashes and making people uncomfortable. Put all of that together, and you can see why Halloween is my most favorite holiday of all time.

Every year it’s like getting a big, gift-wrapped package from Edward Gorey, addressed to me.

 

Hooray for creepy crawlies and ghouly goblins and things that go bump in the night!

In the past few years, however, I’ve been disappointed to see all the whored-up women’s Halloween costumes. It’s beyond ridiculous.

Sexy remote control?

 

Get it? You can mute her. And I don’t even know where those batteries are supposed to go.

Also, sexy chicken waitress slaughterer lady thingie?

 

I don’t get it.

A couple years ago, one of my friends even dressed as a sexy mummy. A SEXY MUMMY. Crazy, right? The whole thing about mummies is that they are inherently not sexy. They are part of the undead. They are dehydrated, and they have their brains pulled out of their noses, and eventually they go on to star in Brendan Fraser movies. And none of that is sexy.

It takes all the fun out of Halloween when nobody wants to be funny or silly or frightening or decaying. Just slutty.

So this year, as I prepared for a pub crawl through Palm Springs, I decided to mock the trend by taking a traditionally unsexy but recognizable character and giving him a slut overhaul.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present Baberaham Lincoln.

 

Also, I’ve been reading “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.”

 

I just thought it was a silly way to laugh at all the overtly “sexy” Halloween costumes. Little did I know how many pervs would actually want to make out with Honest Abe.

It was still a lot of fun though. A lot of folks wanted their photo taken with me. A few people thanked me for emancipating their people. I got a lot of random shouts from passers-by on the street: “Hey, you’re my favorite president!” “I see you on the penny!” “Don’t get shot!”

And I got to dance around and act silly with my best friends.

 

My favorite moment from the night happened when we all piled into my friend’s car, like the start of some bad joke. “So a wine goddess, Pebbles Flintstone, Abe Lincoln and a chicken get into a Toyota …”.

 

REO Speedwagon came on the radio and we cranked it up for a top-of-our-lungs singalong. Except we only knew every fourth word or so.

“Thinking blah blah blah lies

Nah nah nah bedroom eyes

You say something something something when …

YOU TAKE IT ON THE RUN BABY! If wah wah want it BABY! You’re under the gun so you TAKE IT ON THE RUN!”

Also, I woke up with a purse full of candy. Tell me that’s not a great holiday.

 

 

Month of fun: Day 21

September 21, 2011

The good thing about writing a book is that I can hang out in my pajamas all day.

The bad thing about writing a book is that I hang out in my pajamas all day.

Sometimes I miss going out to social events, making friends and having conversations with someone who isn’t my cat.

That’s why I was so excited about the Palm Desert Chamber of Commerce mixer. Not only was this an opportunity to meet new people and hand out my business card as a freelance writer, but at last I had a reason to wash my hair and put on makeup.

Plus, giddy-up, y’all! This wasn’t some boring ol’ networking event. With a super-fun hoedown theme, the dress code was more jeans and boots than suits and heels.

Buses and jeep coaches brought all the guests to Metate Ranch, a little Western town tucked away in the crevices of the San Andreas Fault. There was music, a glowing bonfire, a shooting range, even a stand where visitors could pan for gold.

 

This sign reminded me of college. And if any of you have been to the Smiling Skull Saloon in Athens, Ohio, you’ll know what I mean.

 

Food was provided by Jackalope Ranch of Indio. I’m still on a food and drink detox (boo!) so I didn’t get to rustle up any grub, but I did hear plenty of raves about their signature mac and cheese.

 

Just when I thought the mixer couldn’t get any better, my friends and I took over the costume booth! Here I am indulging my inner cowpoke, while Xochitl plays the role of my squaw. Now this is original gangsta.

 

Our evening was capped off by a rollicking ride through the fault zone, courtesy of the fine folks at Desert Adventures. Naturalist guide Eric Harmon zoomed through jagged cuts of canyon, showing me a dramatic desert I’ve never seen before.

It was a mini version of their full fault line tour, and it was just enough to whet the appetite. I will definitely be back for more.

Month of fun: Days 10-14

September 14, 2011

MOVING. That is all I have been doing lately. Every waking moment has been consumed by this great migration: Sorting, packing, hauling, lifting, loading, unpacking, cleaning. And there couldn’t be a worse time to relocate in the desert. I felt like I could ignite at any second.

I’m also on a debt diet, trying to rein in my spending while I save up money for bigger projects and investments. So I haven’t made any wacky, frivolous purchases.

On top of that, I’m doing a wheat-free, sugar-free, alcohol-free, low-fat, low-cal (and many other hyphenated words) detox right now. So I couldn’t even crack open a cold beer on moving day, toast the new apartment with a glass of bubbly or indulge in some well-deserved dark chocolate. Hrumph.

Put all of that together, and you don’t have a lot of room for fun — not even when you’re forcing it. I have been grumpy and snippy and sweaty for almost a week straight. It’s a wonder I’m still married.

Day 10

Lowlight: Packing. How is it possible to spend one year of my life with just a backpack, yet have an entire apartment crammed full of stuff? Where did it all come from? Why am I putting it in boxes?

Highlight: The final night in our tiny, smelly apartment! I celebrated by finally using the Lush Comforter bubble bar that I’ve been saving for a special occasion. It smells like blackcurrant and magically turns the bath water pleasantly purple with stacks of creamy bubbles. It’s like submerging yourself in straight-up Prozac.

 

Day 11

Lowlight: Instead of hiring a moving van, The Husband and I opted to make hundreds of trips back and forth in his Honda Civic hatchback. This is officially the last time I will ever follow-through on one of our “bright” ideas.

Highlight: Our friends Shad and Xochitl came over with their SUV to give us a hand with the big stuff. With the mattress, we simply stuck it on top of the vehicle. No rope, because we’re badasses like that. (Also because we didn’t have any rope.) Then we rolled down the windows and desperately clung to the bed as we rolled through town. Some people might call that “illegal.” I call it “minimalist.”

Here’s Xochitl, my partner in crime.

 

Day 12

Lowlight: All the stuff that goes along with moving, including piles of boxes, the inability to locate anything important and two severely traumatized pets who wouldn’t come out from under the bed.

Highlight: First full day in the new place! I unpacked enough kitchen supplies to make a huge batch of soup, so the apartment would smell like a home. The scent also lured in a couple of neighbors who wanted to find out what I was cooking.

 

Day 13

Lowlight: Cleaning the old apartment. Cleaning until my nails were stripped and my skin began flaking off. Cleaning until I was pale and withered.

Apparently, what sunlight does to vampires, that’s what cleaning does to me.

Highlight: Taking my dog, Lemon, out for a walk in the thunderstorm. I hate that I’m one of those people who puts her dog in a raincoat, but alas, I am — much to the delight of my cooing, giggling neighbors.

Here’s an old photo of Lemon in her action fleece. (She doesn’t hang around long enough in the rain for a photo.)

 

Day 14

Lowlight: More cleaning in an effort to get our deposit back. I personally consider the deposit to be a renter’s tax, so I dismiss it as a lost cause. I know it’s rare to actually receive the full amount back, and if you believe that time is more important than money (which I do), then why waste it on scrubbing down an old space?

The Husband, however, would have Magic Erasers surgically implanted on his hands if he could. He’d be Edward MagicEraserHands, and he’d star in the lamest Tim Burton movie ever. He believes in the deposit, and he is willing to fight for it.

So we cleaned. And cleaned. And I think we left the place in better condition than when we moved in.

Highlight: Sat on the patio of my new home and savored a cup of steamy hot tea. Home sweet home at last.