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Palm Springs

A Walk in the Dark

April 8, 2012

I wanted to take my dog for a walk. I spent the whole day inside finishing an assignment, and I desperately needed to stretch my body.

“I’ll go with you,” The Husband said. “It’s dark.”

“No, no. I’m fine. I’m wearing white clothes so cars can see me.”

“Let me go with you,” he said.

“No, no. The moon is full.”

“Let me go with you.”

And so I did.

Palm Springs is always quiet, but once you get off the main street, our neighborhood is particularly still. That’s why the man was immediately out of place.

The Husband and I were on the outskirts of a park. The man was across the street, crouched on the ground, outside of a low brick wall. He hammered something. The metal-on-metal sound was almost like a lighter that had run out of fuel — “flick, flick, flick” — but deeper, heavier, more resonance.

The Husband and I both craned our necks to get a better look at the guy. And that’s when he turned and looked back at us. Terror ricocheted through my body. Suddenly it was difficult to breathe.

“WALK,” said The Husband in a voice I’ve never heard before.

Everything in my body told me to not run. It would make the man mad. I forced my feet to maintain a normal pace.

“I told you to WALK,” The Husband said. “GO.”

The nearest car headlights were at least a mile away. Only one house had a light on, but that was two blocks away. My dog has such short legs.

The man was behind us.

“Hey,” he yelled. And we kept walking.

Palm Springs is incredibly dark at night. It’s so people can see the stars. It’s something I’ve loved ever since I moved to the desert — the darkness here is so much more complete and sincere than nights in the Midwest.

“I said HEY.”

I cursed myself for wearing white. In darker clothes, maybe I could have slipped into the park. It would have been easy. But with the stupid moon grinning down on me, reflecting my T-shirt like a Crest smile, there was no way.

“Do you know where Ramon. I mean, Raymond Cree,” the man said. He didn’t speak in complete sentences. None of his words made sense, but they had the tone of a threat. “Tell me Vista Chino.”

“No,” The Husband said. We continued walking.

My body had a visceral reaction to the man, who was now an arm’s length behind us. My heart trembled on the outside layer of my skin. Heat rolled through my body like lava. A very clear voice inside said, “Walk normal. Keep steady. Stand tall.”

I understood that no matter what happened, I was ready to accept it. I turned around to face the man.

“That way,” I said and pointed in the opposite direction. “Go the other way.”

We didn’t see the man go. We just looked behind us, and he was no longer there. At that point we quickened our step. We expected the man to reappear at any moment. But then he didn’t, and we were home.

“I’m sorry I yelled,” said The Husband. “Do you think I overreacted?”

“No,” I said. “Not at all.”

 

Poops, I did it again

November 9, 2011

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you have to suffer for the one you love.

For me, that moment arrived yesterday when I got a bag of poop in the face.

In order to explain, first I need to tell you a little bit about my dog. When I got her from the animal shelter, her name was Iris. I thought she was given that name because she’s fancy. Turns out, it came courtesy of her fucked-up irises.

This dog was born completely deaf and about 90 percent blind. Her left eye is tiny, ice blue and completely useless. Her right eye is brownish, and she can use it ever-so-slightly. She can see well enough to get around most of the time, but not enough to avoid walking into the occasional mailbox or telephone pole.

Her eyes actually float in two different directions, like a cartoon dog that’s been hit in the head with a frying pan.

 

This is why I named her Lemon. Because she’s a wonky used car.

That said, she’s also brave and spunky. She literally stops to smell the roses, and she loves nothing more than burrowing under my knees when I take a nap. Her life is entirely scent- and cuddle-driven, which is admirable. For a dog, she’s pretty good at teaching people to enjoy the succulence of life.

Lemon also loves to hit the hiking trails, which is why I take her up the Lykken Trail about once a week. I suspect someone in her family tree once mated with a mountain goat, because she’s a surprisingly good hiker despite her ridiculous low-rider legs.

Yesterday she pooped four times as we approached the trailhead (Aside: Do you think dachshunds poop more because they are stretched out and therefore have longer intestines? This is my theory). I picked up each pile in a plastic bag and secured the bag around the handle of Lemon’s leash. So I was still carrying it with me, but I wasn’t actually holding the sack of nasty.

Another dog approached us, which always spooks Lemon. It doesn’t matter how friendly the dog is, imagine getting your salad tossed by a cold nose that you didn’t even see coming.

After the dog passed, Lemon was a little frantic and skittish, but we still progressed up the mountain. At a particularly thin point of the trail, I noticed two women barreling toward us. I imagined the ladies getting caught in a tangle of dachshund, the whole ball of them tumbling all the way down on rocks and rattlesnakes, eating cactus for lunch.

 

There was only a slight outcropping where Lemon and I could pull over. And just in time too. The women rounded the switchback as I was scooping up Lemon into my arms. And in that motion, the bag of poop launched itself off the leash and smacked me directly in the face.

It would actually be no big deal — after all, there was a layer of plastic between the poo molecules and my cheek — except that these ladies happened to be filming some kind of reality show. One woman had a helmet cam, the other a handheld device. When I ran into them at their car later, they said they were with some kind of TV production team.

So if you happen to see footage of a sweaty hiker chick getting a bag of poop in the face on YouTube someday, that chick might be me.

But remember that I did it for the Lemon I love.

 

Four score and seven beers ago

October 30, 2011

On the great big list of Things I Love, you’ll find costumes, morbid stuff, vampires, fake eyelashes and making people uncomfortable. Put all of that together, and you can see why Halloween is my most favorite holiday of all time.

Every year it’s like getting a big, gift-wrapped package from Edward Gorey, addressed to me.

 

Hooray for creepy crawlies and ghouly goblins and things that go bump in the night!

In the past few years, however, I’ve been disappointed to see all the whored-up women’s Halloween costumes. It’s beyond ridiculous.

Sexy remote control?

 

Get it? You can mute her. And I don’t even know where those batteries are supposed to go.

Also, sexy chicken waitress slaughterer lady thingie?

 

I don’t get it.

A couple years ago, one of my friends even dressed as a sexy mummy. A SEXY MUMMY. Crazy, right? The whole thing about mummies is that they are inherently not sexy. They are part of the undead. They are dehydrated, and they have their brains pulled out of their noses, and eventually they go on to star in Brendan Fraser movies. And none of that is sexy.

It takes all the fun out of Halloween when nobody wants to be funny or silly or frightening or decaying. Just slutty.

So this year, as I prepared for a pub crawl through Palm Springs, I decided to mock the trend by taking a traditionally unsexy but recognizable character and giving him a slut overhaul.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present Baberaham Lincoln.

 

Also, I’ve been reading “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.”

 

I just thought it was a silly way to laugh at all the overtly “sexy” Halloween costumes. Little did I know how many pervs would actually want to make out with Honest Abe.

It was still a lot of fun though. A lot of folks wanted their photo taken with me. A few people thanked me for emancipating their people. I got a lot of random shouts from passers-by on the street: “Hey, you’re my favorite president!” “I see you on the penny!” “Don’t get shot!”

And I got to dance around and act silly with my best friends.

 

My favorite moment from the night happened when we all piled into my friend’s car, like the start of some bad joke. “So a wine goddess, Pebbles Flintstone, Abe Lincoln and a chicken get into a Toyota …”.

 

REO Speedwagon came on the radio and we cranked it up for a top-of-our-lungs singalong. Except we only knew every fourth word or so.

“Thinking blah blah blah lies

Nah nah nah bedroom eyes

You say something something something when …

YOU TAKE IT ON THE RUN BABY! If wah wah want it BABY! You’re under the gun so you TAKE IT ON THE RUN!”

Also, I woke up with a purse full of candy. Tell me that’s not a great holiday.

 

 

Steve Poltz and a kale salad

October 7, 2011

I’m a firm believer that almost everything you need to know about a person can be determined over lunch.

It’s certainly a far better gauge of personality than the music they download, the clothes they wear or the car they drive. I always get so frustrated when I’m watching “Law and Order” and the cops find all their clues by looking at the victim’s bookshelf. I end up screaming at the TV, “That book doesn’t mean your victim was in a cult! Maybe she went through a harmless Wiccan phase!”

No, if you really want some insight into a person, just grab lunch. (Obviously that’s not an option for the “L&O” cops, since their victim is dead and therefore is not a quality lunch companion. But this is my analogy, and it works for me.)

My theory was confirmed the other day when I grabbed a salad with Steve Poltz, a musician I have liked for a long time.

This is Steve. I stole this photo off his website.

 

If you aren’t already familiar with Steve Poltz, here’s the quick and dirty low-down: He hails from Palm Springs. He formed a band called The Rugburns, and they played all over the world. The band eventually parted ways, but Steve Poltz continues to play solo. He dated the singer Jewel for a while and wrote a lot of songs for/with her, including the hit “You Were Meant for Me.” You can also see him in the video for that tune.

He’s the one who is not Jewel.

 

You might also remember this Jeep commercial, which used his song, “You Remind Me.”

 

I used to listen to The Rugburns when I was growing up in Ohio. Those were the pre-internet years, when a teenager in the Midwest had to acquire new music by any means necessary, which included using fake IDs to get into 21-and-up shows, trading music with your friends and shoplifting. I was so hungry for music, I would use a VCR to tape the MTV show “120 Minutes,” then play it back while I held my cassette player against the speaker to record the music from the TV. The result was scratchy and shitty and low quality, but it was music and it fed me.

I damn near wore out my cassette tape of The Rugburns’ “Morning Wood,” my reward for trading in albums by Public Image Limited and Frente.

“Morning Wood” was a fixture in my little red Chevette (no relation to the Prince song), until the tape met an untimely end during an irrational, hallucinogen-fueled drive to Chillicothe in the middle of the night.

RIP, beloved Rugburns tape. Now I will just enjoy your songs on YouTube.

 

Through happenstance and a great friend named Dean Lockwood, I ended up having lunch with Steve Poltz the other day. It was delightful. Here’s what I learned about him.

1. Steve Poltz stands up to greet people.

2. He has a firm handshake. Not aggressive, not floppy, but appropriately in the middle.

3. He is kind to servers. As someone who was once a waitress, I can tell you this is a huge indication of overall character.

4. He ordered the kale salad, a meal that is both nourishing and hearty without any added pretense. That probably says something about Steve, but I’m not going to go so far as to compare him to kale. Also, he ate his food with gusto but paused long enough to offer everyone else a bite.

5. He politely listened to all of my boring stories. If you know me at all, you also know I tend to babble when I get nervous or excited. So the fact that Steve Poltz put up with this and was still nice to me by the end of the meal — well, that says a lot.

6. He really, truly loves making music. Steve has spent decades on the road — not for adulation and fortune it could bring, but because he genuinely enjoys doing it. He has a strong musical point of view, and he has remained true to his artistic integrity.

Put all of that together, and you’ll understand why I can’t wait for Steve’s show next weekend in Palm Springs. Proceeds from the backyard benefit concert will raise money for the Palm Springs Kiwanis Club literacy program and the Boys & Girls Club. (Cool piece of trivia: Steve Poltz participated in the local Boys & Girls Club program in the 1970s.)

The show is Saturday, Oct. 15 and is a mere $20Click here for tickets.

I’m definitely going to be there on Saturday. So is my dad.

If you don’t already have plans, show your support for some good causes and a good-guy musician. And if you do already have plans, break them. This is going to be worth it.

Month of fun: Day 27

September 27, 2011

A sunny afternoon ride in a convertible. A delicious lunch. A fantastic conversation with a beautiful friend.

What could possibly be better than that?

This is the salad sampler at Palm Greens Cafe, 611 S. Palm Canyon Dr., Palm Springs.

 

I swear the salad sampler is a force of nature. I am physically incapable of ordering anything else whenever I go to Palm Greens.

The dish comes with a big bowl full of crisp greens, shredded carrots, tomato slices, cucumber and other fresh veggies. On top of that they put scoops of other salads: Red quinoa, lentil, soba noodle, sweet potato, curried tofu, seaweed, potato salad.

But wait! There’s more.

Three dollops of vegan goodness top it off: Hummus, star-kissed seed salad and cockadoodle tofu. (They’re underneath the tortilla chips in my photo). Then you can slather it all in vegan caesar dressing.

In a word — amazeballs.

But if you think the food was the highlight, you’re wrong. Because sitting across the table from me was this lovely lady:

 

That’s the wonderful Tammy Coia, who has a huge heart, radiant spirit and energy to spare. You can learn more about her and her remarkable work here.

Tammy is one of those rare people who is unflinchingly supportive and genuinely cares about the people in her life. I’m lucky to call her a friend.