Well, I saw the first screening of “Fifty Shades of Grey” this morning. Nothing like a little BDSM to dominate the breakfast hour!
This is the big-screen adaptation of the best-selling E.L. James novel, the story of young college student Anastasia who falls for kinky billionaire Christian Grey.
What I liked:
• The soundtrack contains “Beast of Burden” and a decent cover of “I’m On Fire.”
• Christian Grey has a very nice bathtub.
• Helicopters! And ultralights! Actually, I would have preferred to watch two hours of just helicopters and ultralights.
• 100% fewer scrunchies than in the book.
What I didn’t like:
• I thought I’d finally escaped the book’s crimes against punctuation. Then Ana and Christian began an e-mail exchange in the film, their messages popped up on screen, and there were all those dumb ellipses again. Come on …
• Christian Grey has an entire closet of grey ties. Who knew there were so many grey ties in the world? But what else would you expect from the CEO of Grey Enterprises, located at Grey House, where they apparently manufacture pencils that say “Grey”?
• The book’s stilted dialogue comes off even flatter in the film. Every time Christian Grey said, “Laters, baby,” I wanted to spank him. And not in a BDSM way. In a schoolmarm way. And not a sexy schoolmarm. Like, my fourth grade teacher at Our Lady of the Rosary who used to throw rulers at kids.
• Do college graduates always shake the hand of their commencement speaker? That’s weird, right?
• I knew going into the book that it was Twilight fan fiction, but somehow I compartmentalized it as a separate piece of work. On screen, however, this is the Twilightiest thing that has ever Twilighted. There was one scene in particular where I expected Christian Grey to sparkle like a Stephanie Meyer vampire.
• At one point, Christian leaps on top of Ana and bites a piece of her toast. (Yes, toast. That’s not a euphemism.) I got very angry about this on Ana’s behalf. The bondage and slapping is one thing. But eating the food out of this poor woman’s hand? Have some boundaries.
• Christian’s safe words are basically Homeland Security threat levels.
Major oversight:
• There’s absolutely no use of Devo “Whip It” anywhere. Not even ironically.
OK, but how was the sex?
• The sex was not very sexy. I have seen perfume commercials that are sexier than this movie. Heck, I’ve seen Swiffer commercials that are sexier. The sex here felt entirely clinical, and not at all inspiring, steamy or even interesting.
• Seriously. Old episodes of “Moonlighting” are sexier. Go watch those.
• What is the opposite of sexy? Because that’s what this was. It was as if I’d packed up my lady bits in a snowsuit and sent them off for a trek around Patagonia, that’s how distanced I felt from my body. I was dead inside for a good two hours.
• “The Thornbirds.” Way sexier.
• Has someone done “Fifty Shades of Greyskull” yet? Because I started writing that film in my head during the sex scenes.
• I’d say even “Die Hard” was sexier.
Overall:
• I thought it would be worse.
4 Comments
Best line of the post:
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Brilliant.
Oh Mags, so refreshing and reassuring to know you haven’t changed. Love the Swiffer comment. I did not read the book. I know one should not judge a book by its cover, but I had not seen the cover.I judged the content by reading reviews of people I respected. That must make me one of the few (especially over 60) women who have not read the book. Then again, I may be the only one. I had no desire, but then I, too, attended parochial school. Heavens! What would the nuns think? Heck-what would my mother think? I would have been in confession for weeks and worrying about burning in hell.
Of course, one must keep in mind that even during my 22 yr. teaching career, many jokes went right over my head. Had to rush home and ask the hubs. The sister closest to my age did the same. I remember referring to S&M as M&Ms. Were there any others? Not in my sheltered world.
I must admit that when I saw your ticket posted earlier that you had an ulterior motive. Just didn’t seem to be your type of lit, whatever that may be-or something you would take seriously.
Would love to see you and meet Little Shakespeare, and Jason, of course. Like you I love or rather loved to travel. That’s why I thought I would be doing at this age. Circumstances and finances dictate otherwise.
During my first teaching position in the mega-town of Wapakoneta, home of Neil Armstrong (I feel confident that you won’t say, “Who?”), I had my final interview with TWA, no longer in existence now. At the time, airlines were cutting back due to fuel costs. I would have flown March through October and then been furloughed. That’s one Mark Twain I didn’t that I should have.
What did I know? 21 years old, first teaching position, and sporting a hole in my head where education professors had drilled,”Don’t ever break that contract. You will never teach again.” Being the good Catholic Pollyanna, I didn’t. Regretted that decision ever since. Where was Twain when I needed him? But then, I would have missed meeting you. I could have taken you home with me from the first day you crossed the thresh-hold into 154. I can still see you in the last seat in the second row from the door with your head tucked in a book. Ah, where have the years gone? I know. With the wind and last winter’s snow. Think of you so very often. Much love to you and continued success! I always knew you would be ‘somebody’ – you were a mover and a shaker decades ago. You just did not want anyone to know it, but I did.
OK, so “50 Shades of Grey” was never on my must-see list, or even on my maybe-if-I’m-flipping-channels-and-I-accidently-stop-on-it list, now it’s not even on that list. Thanks, Maggie, for saving the time.
sounds like the review was better than the movie. Thanks for saving me the time and getting me straight to the good part.