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2014: The year I was gutted

December 31, 2014

My 2014 can be summed up with one fact: It took five months for my c-section incision to heal, a wound that should have closed in less than 6 weeks.

I’m not saying this to inspire sympathy or to have a conversation about childbirth in America. Just know that when I say I spent a good deal of my year split wide open, that’s not hyperbole.

There was one moment when I was at home, wildly trying to juggle my crying newborn during a conference call for work. I was bouncing the baby on my hip, walking past the bathroom, and I happened to look in the mirror just as my robe fell open. I saw the lipstick red slash of my incision reflected back at me, and I thought, “I am so broken. So very, very broken.” The idea that I might never be fixed, that my life might never again have a sense of normalcy, was terrible and frightening.

Many days I wondered when I would be whole again; if I would be whole again. The unknown is such a vulnerable place to reside.

Don’t get me wrong — it wasn’t a bad year. I had a lot of achievements: I finished my master’s degree, and I hit a few professional goals. I gave birth to a wild, funny boy, who has wispy hair and gentle cow eyes. I have a husband who inspires me on a daily basis and friends who are generous with their love. Many days were filled with pancakes, dance parties when the baby wouldn’t sleep, sunshine, fairy lights, a new blue dress or two. It was actually an extraordinary year.

This face.

But underscoring all the good things was a new and overwhelming feeling of helplessness — it seemed every time I felt like I was in the driver’s seat, the “service engine” light popped on in the car.

So 2014 was challenging. This was a year of allowing buried things to surface and giving air to raw skin. Watching old wounds heal and waiting for scar tissue to form. Of making peace when things fell beyond my control. Of learning patience. Of being.

Here’s to achieving more balance in 2015.

2014: Favorite Reads

December 30, 2014

Yesterday I bemoaned the fact that there are too many “best-of” year-end lists. Then I went ahead and gave you my top songs of the year. Now one day later, here I am with another list.

Forgive me, okay? Because this is a list of books, and books are good.

My favorite book of the year, as signed by the author. *swoon*

The Empathy Exams • Leslie Jamison

By far, this book shined above all others this year. It’s a collection of essays, but it’s also a guide to being human: “Empathy comes from the Greek empatheia – em (into) and pathos (feeling) – a penetration, a kind of travel. It suggests you enter another person’s pain as you’d enter another country, through immigration and customs, border crossing by way of query: What grows where you are? What are the laws? What animals graze there?”

Read the title essay here. If it doesn’t move you, you’re dead to me.

Dept. of Speculation by Jenny Offill

This slender novel is the documentation of a marriage told in minimalist but exquisite bits of prose. It’s a story I imagine I’ll return to for years to come, and each time I’ll take away something different and special.

The Book With No Pictures • B.J. Novak

This book is brilliant. Just brilliant.

It’s a children’s book where the adult reader is forced to say a bunch of silly things, like “bluurf,” “blork,” and “my head is made of blueberry pizza.” So even while it’s engaging and fun, it cultivates a love of language and text for young, soon-to-be readers.

Gangsterland • Tod Goldberg

It’s always scary to read a book written by a friend, because what happens if you don’t like it? How do you hide something like that? Especially when you see this person all the time and you have zero poker face and you are me? Rather than lie every day to my friend Tod, I’d have to quit my job and move somewhere where he’d never find me — like Bolivia or Fresno.

So it was a relief to read “Gangsterland” and discover that I genuinely loved it. I don’t have to move to Fresno after all.

This is the story of a Chicago hit man who disappears after a botched job and resurfaces in Las Vegas with a new identity as Rabbi David Cohen. This is where money laundering suddenly meets morality, and the rabbi must learn to make peace with his career, all while fending for his family as best he can.

Yes, Please • Amy Poehler

I listened to this as an audiobook at the recommendation of my friend Leigh, and I’m so glad I did. Amy Poehler plays with the genre, inviting in a whole host of guest readers, giggling and singing through sections and speaking directly to the listener. Maybe this isn’t the most highbrow book on my list, but it was definitely the one I looked forward to most each morning.

Runners up:

Books I read and loved that weren’t published in 2014: The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt and A Tale for the Time Being by Ruth Ozeki

2014: Top 14 Songs of the Year

December 29, 2014

I’m a person who loves year-end lists, but this year it seems like there are lists upon lists everywhere, and even lists of lists. If I were a funnier, more clever person, I would aggregate the best of the best-of lists here. But I’m not. So I’m just going to go ahead and list my favorite songs of the year, the way I did in 2013. And 2012. And 2011.

Lists of lists upon lists.

Sylvan Esso • Coffee

This dreamy electropop song wheedled its way into my life like one of those cockroaches that crawls into your ear while you sleep and burrows inside your head. I didn’t like it at first. And then one day I put my hand on top of my husband’s in the car when he tried to change the radio dial, and it’s been with me ever since.

Glass Animals • Gooey

In contrast to the Sylvan Esso song, this is one I loved immediately. It’s sexy and slinky, and the video is totally freaky and mesmerizing.

The New Basement Tapes • Kansas City (And really all of the Basement Tapes)

So here’s what happened: Bob Dylan had a stack of brilliant lyrics just sitting around, because that’s what happens when you’re Bob Dylan. You wallpaper the house with unused song lyrics. You shine the silverware with them, you wash your face with them, and you stuff some into the toes of the boots that run too big. And then you give some of them to music producer T-Bone Burnett, who rounds up some contemporary musicians, and they create music for the lyrics.

The New Basement Tapes is the result of that. I love it all, in spite of the fact that it includes a Mumford.

Big Data • Dangerous

The song that will certainly be heard in a zillion car commercials. And for good reason — it’s a highly addictive, intoxicating song. I love the fatness of the beat, the way it seems almost too robust.

Clean Bandit • Rather Be

Solid, albeit throwaway pop. Every list needs one.

Blood Orange • You’re Not Good Enough

With a casual synth-soul vibe, Blood Orange makes some of my favorite writing music. It’s like someone took Ready for the World and sent them in a time machine to 2014 — which is, of course, awesome.

Saint Pepsi • Fiona Coyne

I dare you to listen to this and not dance.

I’ve heard it makes some people twirl a hula hoop around the living room and almost knock over a baby swing, NOT THAT I’VE DONE THAT.

Beck • Blue Moon

Beck rarely makes a misstep in my book. I love all the songs off his latest release, “Morning Phase,” which is calm and wistful, and a little bit melancholy. This song particularly resonates with me.

The Knocks • Classic

If you’re not putting this on your next road trip mix, you’re doing life wrong.

Tweedy • Low Key

This actually isn’t my favorite Tweedy song, but the video, directed by Nick Offerman, is the most fun.

Foxygen • How Can You Really

When I was a growing up in Ohio, this is close to what I thought California must sound like.

Future Islands • Seasons (Waiting On You)

This song is this year’s version of M83’s “Midnight City” for me — it builds into something utterly compelling and gripping, which is so rare to find in synthpop.

alt-J • Every Other Freckle

Even though I’ve enjoyed alt-J for a couple years, I thought they might be something of a novelty. But after hearing their second album, I realize I might have been wrong. The sound is utterly unique and fascinating — I often find myself actively listening to alt-J — and the music feels more like a voyage than a song.

The War on Drugs • Red Eyes

I can’t even form a coherent thought when it comes to The War on Drugs. Etherial. Epic. Sweeping. Springsteen. Empty roads. Nostalgia. Cheap beer. Blue nights.

This is probably my very favorite song of the year.

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2014

2014: The year I was gutted

2014: Top 14 Songs of the Year

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